#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Eat…
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy