Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Cheer up.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.