@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

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@3sunzzz

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@5hael

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

@pembdave

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

@ozzyunc

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”