@onion_an [1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
@chrizmillr Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
You Might Also Like
@onion_an 
@EJGomez [speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
@EdgarAllanLo Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
@EvanJKessler Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
@GoldenSpirals I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
@abbycohenwl Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@Marlebean I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
@BlindChow Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
@Xtina_Crawford The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
@js_jacques Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.