Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah