@ModeratelyMused Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
@chrizmillr Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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@ModeratelyMused 
@3sunzzz [Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
@TitansHomer MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
@dubiousrhetoric People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
@JohnLyonTweets Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
@daemonic3 ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
@5hael Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
@pembdave Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
@Jasmin_Tatts Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
@ozzyunc “After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
