Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
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“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”