Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?