Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…