As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Bond. Trauma bond.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
How it started How it’s going
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so