[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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Covid like
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder