“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
My wife gives the best headache.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*