@UncleDuke1969

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

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@EndhooS

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

@IlIIlllIIIlIlI

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

@UnFitz

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@C00LpenNAME

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

@stevevsninjas

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*