#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Who knew!
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog