[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.