@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

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@badbanana

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

@carlyken

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

@broken_rhi

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

@Roy_oh_Roy

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@AimeeHelene1

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.