Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Dyslexics are teople poo!
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure