Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.


My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”


I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.


Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas


I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.


This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.


We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!


If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.