Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.