can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.