*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.