The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

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TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late


Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.


what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it


ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.


“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.


ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww