The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
this is so top tier i cant
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Ugh
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind