TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.