Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school