robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
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sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?