A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
What the dentist sees
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
inventing words: clothing
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have