i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.