[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.