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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
pls suprot
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.