There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.