We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Sniffing the broccoli
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…