My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You Might Also Like
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate