Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Please do it!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.