I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Ha.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Best mom ever 😂
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.