*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Great game to play with friends
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.