We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline