I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer