I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Harsh but fair
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played