Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?![]()
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.