Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Simple enough.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
When you’re here for the treats.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab