Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
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Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.