Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Canada has crack?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
This sounds bad:
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The most precious boy
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.