Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again