If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again