I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Yup
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.