ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.