oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
this will hang in the louvre one day
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?