@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

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@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

@TallDarknHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@LurkAtHomeMom

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

@thepunningman

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

@lunchyprices

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@imence2

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@noog

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.