5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour