Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school