8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *