I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”