I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
IT’S-A ME,
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Have kids, they said
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda