I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.