One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Brother?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
mom had nothing to worry about
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen