My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Mornin
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.