My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Meeeee too!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things