If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
#Caturday
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵