Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.