“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
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Finally, an explanation.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
what the hell pray for carter everyone
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids