Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.